top of page

Is love all about chemistry? Or is there much more to it?

We’re all been there. The guy that really, really gets you excited. But also doesn’t text for days at a time, bails last minute and never tells you where you really stand. 

What’s a girl to do? 

Well, I’m going to throw a bit of a spanner in the works here. And tell you: part of the reason you have ‘amazing chemistry’ is probably because there is no commitment. 

The hot/cold, where do I stand tension is what is driving you even more towards him. It’s firing up the parts of your brain that associate this tension with romance.

What is really going on in your mind

When you keep finding yourself in this position, your mind will have actually started to associate feeling excited but on edge with genuine love. Your brain thinks these are signs that a relationship is on the cards. But - your brain is wrong. 

You’ve fired up parts of your brain that get you excited, but anxious. You’re on a rollercoaster of emotions - feeling down when he’s not messaged then suddenly buzzing when he does. Each message then gives your mind a massive endorphin hit which it craves over and over again. So you keep going back for more. 

Even though he’s not giving you what you want. And, probably never will. 

But isn’t amazing chemistry what love is all about? 

To be honest, no. Instant chemistry with someone is a sign that you are genetically compatible. That you’re able to produce kids with better immune systems. So, according to evolution, you should definitely get on and procreate. 

Disney kinda sold us a lie on this one. The concept of 'love at first sight', as romantic as it is, does not equal 'married for 30 years'.

It doesn’t mean that you can’t have an inkling that this could be going somewhere from date one. The problem is when you rely on having a strong physical chemistry on date one and think that there can be no relationship without this. 

No one told us about the love that builds. Through developing trust, connection and being vulnerable. This is where the real strength in a relationship lies. And with it will come a healthy form of chemistry. 

Some of the best relationships I’ve been in have been ones where I didn’t find the guy that physically attractive to start with. But my goodness did the “chemistry” build over time. 

So how to get the commitment? 

You need to trust that chemistry is not the be all and end all of a relationship. That the guys who will give the commitment and relationship that you want, may not have you all excited the first time you meet them. 

If you are dating someone and there is no commitment, read my blog post on having “the conversation” here.   Make it clear what you want in a non-pressured way, and be prepared to walk away. Chances are you may have to walk away. And that could be really painful. But if you do it trusting that it’s taking you one step closer to the relationship you do want, it will make it a whole lot easier. 

Because I know you don’t have time to waste on the wrong types of guy anymore. 

Stepping away from a reliance on chemistry is the single biggest game-changer I see for women who actually get the committed, healthy relationship they are after. It’s going to take some internal reprogramming, and a faith that romantic films are not relationship bibles. But it really, really works.


bottom of page