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What to do if he's not texting

Kat Winny Dating Coach Relationship Coach Photo by Daria Nepriakhina on Unsplash

One minute, life is easy breezy, you’ve met someone you’re actually interested in. You get along great. You’re messaging away.

Then poof. Suddenly it’s been 2/3/10 days and you’ve heard absolutely nadder. Crickets. What on earth is going on?

Now, some of your girlfriends will tell you to forget about it and move on immediately. Others will tell you to message him demanding he tell you what is going on. You might be tempted to send a passive-aggressive “good to know how you really feel about me” style message.

My answer: none of the above please.

Instead, understand what’s going on and then choose how to act. He is likely going to fall into one of these “camps”:

Camp One: He’s realised he’s not interested.

Note the two references to “he” here. This is not to do with your worthiness - you are fun, beautiful and amazing. But he is: not over his ex, not in the headspace to commit, interested in something different, back in touch with his ex, dating 100 other girls... I could go on.

The jist of it is, if he has been “cooling down” on messages, not making much of an effort, and you’ve been sensing increasing distance when you’re together, chances are this is just not for him right now. And your best move is to get on with your own life again, and find someone who is after the same things as you.

You’ll find yourself in a relationship much quicker by cutting your losses and moving onto someone different, than desperately hanging onto something that’s never going to go somewhere. You might think there’s no-one else worth having out there. There is. You deserve them. Go out and find them!

Camp Two: he’s going through the “freak out” stage

There is a stage in nearly every relationship where one person realises it has the potential to go somewhere, but internally is terrified of that very idea. And that subconscious terror manifests in pushing the other person away, being critical of anything they can think of and generally disappearing for a while.

Another part of him knows he really enjoyed your company, that he does want to be in a relationship and thinks you’re pretty good wife material. He just needs a little bit of time to get his head round the idea.

If things seemed really great when you were last together (honestly and objectively), he gave all signs of wanting a committed relationship and you’ve recently got to a more intimate stage, these are all indications that he falls in this camp two.

Now, the hard part for you. You have to give him some space and time and trust he will come back. This doesn’t mean you have to avoid him, but you need to make sure the pressure isn’t on. Be cute, funny, your best self and show him that he’s completely right that you would be great wife material.

Once you’ve given him some space, you can send him a light catch-up message, with no pressure and see how he responds. The next few times you see him (because if he’s in this camp he will still see you) focus on all the good things that you two share together. Enjoy yourself without lumping a load of pressure on it.

Show him there’s no reason to freak out, and he’ll stop!

What to do if you’re not sure

Not sure which camp he’s in? To be perfectly honest, if you’re not sure, he’s probably in camp one and you just don’t want to admit it. So be brutally honest with yourself, and maybe get an objective opinion on it too.

If he’s in camp two, you’ll probably know it and the above explanation will make perfect sense.

If you’re still not sure, the best approach is thus: give it a little while longer, then send a light, easy catch-up message (sent at a time when you’re feeling really good, not desperate/drunk/lonely).

His response will tell you everything. Does he respond quite quickly? Does he seem pleased to hear from you? Does he carry on the conversation?

Camp One: will either not reply or will take his sweet time, be non-committal and/or respond with a bare minimum.

Camp Two: will seem pleased to hear from you, message as normal and be happy to chat (even if he doesn’t feel quite ready to meet up).

You’ve put your tester out there, now get on with your life and carry on being your best self. Let Camper One head off to the hills, and Camper Two come back roses in hand when he realises you’re the best thing since sliced bread.

Because damn right you are ;)

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