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Why you need to stop relying on chemistry

Dating Coach Kat Winny Chemistry Relationships Photo by Thomas Kelley on Unsplash


Disney introduced us to many great things - concepts of life, death, unity, self-acceptance, magic, and well, Lion King - ‘nuff said.

But it’s also - excuse my french - f*cked up our concept of romantic relationships and finding love. We were promised that if we simply brush our hair for long enough in our ivory tower, Prince Charming would come galloping in on his white horse and we’d be married a week later.

If you know anyone that this has happened to, please let me know. Not least because I’d love to see how glossy their hair is.

Disney introduced us to two main concepts surrounding love:

  1. Love at first sight

  2. Living happily ever after

Most dangerously of all, it linked the two together. So our dreaming fairytale minds learnt that:

love at first sight = living happily ever after

And we’ve gone on to pursue that in our own lives ever since.

Around 95% of the respondents to my survey listed chemistry as one of the most important traits for them in a relationship. But do you really know what instant sexual chemistry is born out of?

Genetic compatibility.

I hate to break it to you but that crazy connection you’ve been feeling is because that person has a sufficiently different MHC genotype to you. And you can smell it. Romantic, huh?

It’s an evolutionary device to give our offspring the best immunity possible. The more diverse the genes, the better immunity for the baby, the stronger the attraction. What it does not offer you is someone who’s destined to be the loving, secure partner you’d like to spend the rest of your life with.

So what do you need to do instead?

If you can introduce one new thing to your dating life, stop focusing on chemistry. Don’t turn down a second date because you didn’t want to jump into bed on the first date. This could well be a GOOD thing.

Instead, start focusing on how that guy makes you feel. Do you feel safe and comfortable talking to him? Does he make you laugh? Do you end the dates feeling happy? Do you find you can be yourself, and - shocker - he actually seems to like that about you?

These are the signs of long-term romantic compatibility. And the attraction part - that comes with time. Scientific studies have shown that women’s attraction to men gets stronger as their relationship develops. That’s why you may have found yourself suddenly attracted to a good male friend in the past.

Need further convincing?

Take a quick look back at your dating and relationship history. Has following instant chemistry landed you in the relationship you want to be in?

I’ll take my bets that if it had, you wouldn’t be reading this right now.

So why not try making the change? Give this new approach a go, and see how your results change.

What some more personalised advice?


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