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Are you inadvertently turning away from the right men?

There’s nothing more scary than falling in love. You’re exposing the most vulnerable parts of you, the things that will hurt the most if broken, to someone else.

And these vulnerable parts of you have most likely been hurt, abused or broken before. So every time they’re presented with the opportunity to fall in love, to feel that vulnerability, they also go into a wild panic. They’re remembering what happened before. And it wasn’t pretty.

And what does a wild panic tend to lead too? Running away from the thing that is causing it.

“He’s too needy”, “He calls me too much”, “I don’t like his hair/smile/laugh/toenails”, “He doesn’t make me feel crazy inside”.

These are excuses your mind is making up to justify your decision to turn away. From someone that could be offering you the very relationship you want and need. Didn’t you always want a guy that always reached out to you? Didn’t you always say you didn’t care what he looks like, it’s what inside that matters?

So why, then, are you really running away?

Because some part of you, somewhere, is scared of finding your one. Because that means opening up those wounded, vulnerable parts of you that just want to be kept safe. They need a lot of reassurance and nourishment, they need to heal and be healed by the security of a loving relationship.

These parts of you need reprogramming. And sometimes the only way of doing this, truly doing this, is by facing up to the very thing they’re scared of the most - a relationship.

It’s going to feel uncomfortable, it’s going to feel scary, there’s a part of you that will scream “run for the hills” but on the other side is the loving, secure relationship that you crave so much.

So why do you keep going for the unavailable bad boy?

Because your vulnerable parts know they are safe. They know they’re never going to be given the opportunity to be at their most vulnerable. This guy will never commit. As soon as you start getting close, he disappears. Just when you’re at risk of getting vulnerable - the risk goes as he vanishes off into the night.

If someone is never going to let you fully in - and trust me the unavailable bad boy will never do so, even if you were to end up married - you’re never fully at risk. Your subconscious is safe. Your vulnerable parts are safe.

Over time, they get used to these patterns. They crave the familiar - hence entering into the same types of experiences with the same types of guys. You know where you stand, there’s comfort in the familiar. You survived last time, so the risk can’t be that great.

These are all programs that are running in the background of your mind. However much you’re telling your friends you just want a secure, stable relationship, your behaviour can be showing something very different.

What lies on the other side

  1. Learning to turn away from the unavailables. You know the signs. You’ve been there before. Don’t convince yourself it will be different this time. Have the courage and self-respect to say no and walk away.

  2. Opening yourself up to new feelings and experiences. Stop chasing the crazy chemistry and look for the guy that makes you feel calm. That makes you feel stable and secure. Because that’s the relationship you’re looking for. Calm seas over a tempest.

  3. When your sirens are screaming run away, lean in instead. Get vulnerable - what would happen if you didn’t run away. What about if you gave this a chance?

I’m writing this on a balcony overlooking the beautiful Eastern Mangroves of Abu Dhabi, from the hotel room we’re enjoying for a short break. Why am I here? Because I had the courage to let go of men that couldn’t give me the relationship I wanted, however strong the feelings were (and trust me, that takes real courage). Because I opened myself up in so many ways to meeting someone different. To trust that real, deep, love develops over time - not over one too many cocktails.

If you’re ready to make that same transition too, drop me a message to find out more.


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