When to get intimate


The golden, and often controversial question.

When should you get intimate with a guy? I believe there is one golden rule to getting intimate, which I share below.

But first, a little bit of education...

The link between sex and attachment

It’s important to understand the link between sex and attachment, as well as what happens before.

Before we get to full intimacy, there are two other stages - lust and attraction:

  • Lust is driven by our cavewoman needs to reproduce - it increases testosterone and estrogen, upping your sex drive.

  • Attraction is a wider feeling of connection to someone - it releases dopamine, a reward based hormone, which is also highly addictive.

Both lust and attraction shut off the prefrontal cortex of your brain, which is what controls rational behaviour. Remember this!!

This explains why it’s so easy to jump into bed with someone against your better judgement!

Then what happens?

When you do get intimate, oxytocin is produced and released in large quantities. Known as the cuddle hormone for a reason, it’s release primes us for attachment. The hormone reinforces all the positive feelings we have towards someone and increases our attachment to them.

You can try and fight it - pretending sex doesn’t cause you to get attached, but you’ll be fighting science.

What’s more, the part of your brain responsible for controlling reason and behaviour shuts down during an orgasm. Explaining why we can overlook a lot of rational logic once we have got intimate with someone.

So when is the right time?

My golden rule is that YOU must decide the right timing. And you should make this decision from a rational and logical place (e.g. when you’re not actually with the guy). Make your decision when you’ve had a period away from each other, so your hormones are more settled, not in the heat of the moment. And, not under the influence.

Trust your intuition - do you fully trust that this guy genuinely likes you for who you are? Do you feel safe and comfortable with him? Do you have any cause to think that he might run away after?

Unless you are 100% sure on the answers to these questions, think twice. If you’re not sure, always wait until you are. Remember if it’s not a “hell yes”, it’s a no. For now.

The crucial factor is that YOU felt ready and you had no reason to regret your decision making process. I know so many women who feel guilty or angry at themselves for rushing into things. If you wait until you’re ready, even if things don’t work out, you won’t feel guilty, dirty or be blaming yourself.

Never, ever, get intimate because you feel pressured. Or you’re scared things will end if you don’t.

What if it’s too late?

If you have got intimate with a guy before you were ready, or if things didn’t work out - don’t blame yourself. Experiences like that are an essential learning curve. They teach us where our boundaries lie. We learn for the future, so that when your Mr Dateable comes along, things are smooth sailing.

Don't beat yourself up - just accept the learning and remember it for next time!

Share your questions...

If you have any questions on this topic, I’d love to hear them. You can drop a comment below, email me, or send me a message on Instagram.

Remember to share this article with anyone that you know that will benefit from it - share the love and it comes back two-fold!

Have a beautiful day ahead,

Kat

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Katherine Winny

Dating & Relationship Coach

Equus Coach

Hypnotherapist

Dubai, United Arab Emirates

London, United Kingdom

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