I had an interesting conversation with a guy recently about a several-month encounter he had with a girl. He’d enjoyed the chemistry and having someone to booty-call but it had never crossed his mind that they would develop into anything serious. After it eventually ended, she was so devastated that she later told him she’d had to leave the country!
How could two people, for a prolonged period of time, be on such different pages?
Guys view things very logically. As my wise old father always told me “if you’re thinking about what a guy is thinking, you’re only going to get it wrong”. Chances are, they’re not thinking about very much at all.
What you present to a guy is what he is going to take away. If you willingly accept all booty-calls and don’t ever bring up the concept of being in a relationship, he will interpret that as it is. This girl is happy with booty calls. She doesn’t want a relationship as she’s never mentioned it. If he’s dating other people (which trust me, he most likely is), he will assume you are doing the same.
You might be tempted to message him saying someone else is interested in you and wants a relationship, to try and make him jealous and fight for you. Instead, you find he’s quite understanding and happy to let you go.
So how can you avoid situations like this and find out whether there is potential for things to get serious with a guy?
So what signs do you need to look for?
When looking for signs, you must do so objectively. If you’re looking through the lens of fear, you’ll pick up all the negative signs that support your fear (this is how your brain is geared to work). If you’re looking through the lens of denial, because you have so much chemistry with this guy, you’ll look for all the positive signs and ignore red flags.
It may be easier to go through the signs with someone objective, to help give you the right perspective. Here are the signs you need to look for:
Your own comfort. Do you feel good with this person? Or do they make you feel unsettled? Notice how you feel at the end of a date, and 2 days later.
Reliability. Has he consistently messaged? Has he made and turned up for plans together?
What he’s said about his future. Has he mentioned he wants a relationship? Does he refer to you as a potential part in his future plans? Or is he always mentioning what’s great about his life as is and his exciting plans?
Interest in you. Does he take a genuine interest in you? Does he remember things you say and act on them (like finding a sushi restaurant after you mentioned it’s your favourite)?
His reaction to the development of your relationship. Are things progressing forward - are you messaging more and spending more time together? If you stay the night, is he open to breakfast and hanging out in the morning, or does he just get up and leave?
Remember, you’re always going to find evidence either way when looking for signs. Even the most reliable guy might have had to cancel a plan last minute for work. A guy may plan a series of amazing dates for you, but have no intention of being in a relationship.
So you must be as objective as possible and weigh up on balance whether you think it’s worth your continued investment.
Red flags
If you spot any of the following, get a second (rational) viewpoint as soon as you can. If you’re my client, message me or book a coaching call immediately!
Frequent mentions of a “amazing ex” who seems to have achieved goddess like status in his mind. And the impression no-one will ever live up to her.
Constant cancelling or last minute changes of plans.
Suddenly disappearing for periods of time without explanation nor communication.
Always mentioning the negative traits of others, including you, but never recognising them in himself.
Avoiding physical closeness - dropping your hand, not receptive to hugging or kissing (being up for sex is different!).
Not taking an interest in you or your needs - never asking you questions, never checking how you feel.
You’re changing your plans or pretending you don’t want things to suit him or fit with what he wants or does.
What you must do
Learn to look out for and recognise these signs. Learn how to tell if you’re acting in denial or fear and justifying this behaviour.
Look back objectively at all the evidence you have in relation to a guy and it will give you the answer to whether it could get serious.
Relationship dynamics are always going to be a bit of a balancing act so don’t worry if it gets a bit messy before it gets clearer. You’re doing the right thing by reading articles like this and learning how to navigate any muddy waters.
If you’d like to have some more personalised support, you can book a free initial consultation with me here, where we’ll discuss more about you and your dating needs.